Out of Sight But Never Out of Mind
by Foxy527
Summary: Takes place after Season 10 Episode 7. Doris is dead and Steve is left to grieve another paralyzing loss in his life. Except he ISN'T grieving...and everyone is worried about him. Then the one person who may be able to help walks back into his life. Will she help him move on? (This story is a McRollins fic, so don't read if you aren't a Steve/Catherine fan. )
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everyone! I've missed writing fanfic, so hopefully this one might get the creative juices flowing again!**

**This idea came to me after S10:Ep 07 when Steve lost his mom. My heart literally broke when this happened because Steve has lost so much since the series began. By S10:Ep 8, it was like things were back to normal and we didn't see ANY of the aftermath that would have taken place in the "real world". I mean SERIOUSLY? **

**There is a **_**big gaping hole**_** in the story line, in my opinion, so I'm going to try to fill the void (And I'm hoping the shows writers will do the same thing before the season ends; They need to tell us **_**their version **_**of how this has all affected Steve.) **

**I've used some of the dialogue from the episodes when Joe and Doris. Copyright infringement is not intended and is only being used for reference.**

**Also, this is a Steve/Catherine centric story, so please don't read if you aren't a McRollins fan.**

**Enjoy! Please let me know your thoughts! **😉  
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_Steve was sixteen years old when his father sent him off after he thought his mother had died in a horrible car accident. In a matter of months, his world and everything in it had changed: His mother was dead and he was now separated from both his little sister and his dad. So, he did the only thing he could at the time to relieve the frustration building inside of him: He rebelled and stole a car._

_It hadn't taken long for him to be apprehended and arrested. It was a night Steve would never forget…..but it hadn't ended as he expected._

_Now…years later…sitting under the oak tree with an ailing Joe in his arms, Steve expressed his gratitude that Joe had stepped in and helped him._

_"That night changed the course of my life, Joe. If I hadn't gotten off with that warning, I never would've gone on to the SEAL's…..or done Five-0. I realized that night that someone believed in me…..Even though I didn't believe in myself. That's it. That's what I had to thank you for."_

_Joe's gaze pierced Steve's soul and seemed to see right through him: _

"_Have you lost your mind, son? You've thanked me every day since with the man you've become…..and the work you've done. Don't you see that?" _

_Moments later, as Joe was breathless, he'd said, "I couldn't be prouder of the man you've become." _

Sensing his master's distress, Eddie jumped up on the bed and started whimpering and nudging Steve softly with his nose. Steve woke suddenly disoriented and in a cold sweat. He sat up and looked around before realizing he was in his own bedroom with his dog by his side. He reached over to stroke Eddie's back and took some deep breaths to calm his racing heart. Eddie gently moved forward to give Steve a lick on the face and whimpered again.

"Yeah, boy…It was another bad dream."

Steve looked towards the alarm clock on his bedside table. It was 4:00 a.m. so he'd slept for 4 hours. It was better than some nights, but still not enough. Huffing in frustration, he laid back down on the pillow and didn't make Eddie get off the bed as normal. He picked up the remote for the tv in his room and turned it on.

"What d'ya say we see if we can find something to put us back to sleep, boy?" he said as he rubbed behind Eddie's ears. The dog let out a sigh in response and put his head down on Steve's lap.

Truthfully, Steve didn't know if he _wanted_ to go back to sleep because his sleeping hours had been full of heartbreaking dreams from his life ever since he'd lost Joe….and now his Mom. It was as if his mind was reminding him of every moment and reminding him of what he'd lost.

He swallowed the lump forming in his throat as he thought of his last moments with Doris again.

He saw her face.

He heard her words.

And he felt like a complete son of a bitch for not believing in his mother when all she was trying to do was make things right for Mary, Joannie…and him.

Mary and Joannie would still be fine financially. Aunt Deb had seen to that and with the money his mother had left in the account for Joannie, they would be taken care of. No one knew it, but he also had accounts set up for Mary and Joannie as well as making them beneficiaries on substantial life insurance policies he had taken out for himself.

Yes, they would be fine; but knowing that his actions helped lead to his mother's death haunted him.

Settling the channel to a "Magnum P.I" episode on HBO, Steve finally fell asleep around 5:00 a.m.

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Junior's alarm went off at 6:30. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he followed his morning routine: A quick swim…..A quick shower….coffee and breakfast.

As soon as put his coffee into a travel mug and was making his way to the front door, Eddie came down the stairs.

"Hey, buddy," Junior says as he rubbed Eddie's head. "Is he still sleeping?"

Eddie gives a soft bark in response. Junior shook his head in amazement of the bond that had happened between Steve and Eddie. For a man who said he never needed a pet, Eddie had become Steve's savior in many ways.

"Do you need to go out?" he asked the dog.

Eddie gave anther soft bark before running to the back door.

Junior followed him with a smirk on his face. "Okay, buddy…..Go out…and then we're gonna let him sleep as long as he can. Okay?"

Eddie wagged his tail in response before going out to do his business. When he came back in, Junior gave him a piece of ham (his favorite "treat").

"Okay, boy. You keep an eye out…..and let Steve sleep. Okay?"

Eddie's tail was wagging and he panted happily in response before making his way back upstairs. Using his nose, he nudged the bedroom door open again before settling on the carpet on Steve's side of the bed and started to go to sleep.

Eddie's head popped back up when he was awakened again by Steve's moaning. Steve's head was moving from side to side again as if trying to shake his mind from what it was seeing. Eddie instinctively jumped onto the bed.  
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_Mary was already asleep, but since Steve was older, he was allowed to stay up a bit later. One of his favorite parts of the day was when his mom would come into his bedroom and read to him. They were currently making it through Moby Dick. _

_As she continued to read to him, his eyes grew heavy._

"_I know not all what may be coming, but be it what it will, I'll go to it laughing." Doris read. _

_Steve yawned a very sleepy yawn as Doris closed the book and kissed his head. _

"_That's enough for tonight, baby." She said. _

"_But what does that mean, Momma?" _

_Steve felt his mother's arm tighten around him before she let out a sigh and leaned down again to kiss his forehead. _

"_You'll understand it someday, sweet boy. But for now, just know that I love you…..and Mary….and your Dad….SO MUCH. No matter what happens, please don't ever forget how much I love you." _

_Her arms tightened around him again and he felt her choke back a sob. _

_But he was so very tired, so as he drifted off to sleep, he felt her give him one more kiss. "I love you so much, baby." _

_The scene in Steve's mind changed. His mother was on the floor of the warehouse after being stabbed. He wasn't ready to lose her. She couldn't die. She just couldn't! _

_Reaching a shaky hand up, Doris touched his face._

"_I love you," she'd cried. "I love you SO much! -I'm sorry, baby…I'm so sorry!" _

"_I love you, Mom," Steve had answered right before she died in his arms._

"NO!" he screamed before waking up again. Frustration filled his heart and guilt rushed through his soul as he realized once again how his actions had helped lead to his mother's murder.

Looking at the clock once again, Steve resigned himself to the fact that it was time to get through another day.

Another long day where he would immerse himself in his work and try to forget about the demons haunting his dreams.

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The door to HQ swung open as a very familiar face entered. Danny's gaze moved from his computer screen to the door and a smile broke across his face. He stood up quickly to go out and greet the guest.

"Well hello, beautiful!" he said as he opened his arms for a hug.

Catherine returned the hug…..and the smile. "Hey, Danny. Long time no see."

"Yeah…..it's been too long. So what brings you back? Or should I say _who_ brings you back? And if you're looking for him, he hasn't made it in yet."

Catherine's face saddened. "Can we go to your office to talk?"

"Sure….Let's go."

Danny closed his office door and the two sat down on the couch.

"How is he?" Catherine asked.

Danny sighed. "Well, before I answer that, let me ask you a question. I'm assuming you heard about Doris, right?"

Catherine nodded. "Yeah. I would have been here sooner, but I had something to finish first. Plus, it took awhile for the intel to reach me where I was located. I came as soon as I could. So how is he?"

Danny looked out the window into the common area of the office and looked as if he was trying to figure out exactly what to say.

Turning back to Catherine, he said, "I'm not gonna lie….He's not good, babe. This time is different. It's like something inside of him has completely died. I mean….I don't think he's sleeping or eating either. And he won't talk about it. He just wants to work and bury the grief, so to speak."

"I was afraid of that," Catherine said sadly.

Both of them turned towards the HQ doors opening again as Steve walked in. Catherine's heart twisted painfully as he immediately made his way to Danny's office. He looked so broken and defeated. He opened Danny's door and stopped when he noticed her sitting on the couch.

"Cath," he said breathlessly.

Catherine stood up to face him with her familiar greeting, "Hey, sailor."

Tears filled his eyes and he willed them to stay put. He was not going to break down, dammit! But as she walked towards him with her arms open, the tremor on his chin gave him away. Her heart broke inside of her as he pulled her in for a crushing hug. No other words were necessary as she felt the intense grief rolling off of him in waves.

"God, Cath….It's good to see you," he choked out even though his grip on her didn't loosen and she made no move to let go either.

"Let's go to my office, okay?" Steve looked like he was afraid she would bolt at any moment which caused the pain in her chest to tighten. She knew some of this pain was her fault…and she knew it was time to fix that.

"Of course," she smiled at him. "That's what I'm here for."

Steve took her hand as if he was afraid she would change her mind and led her across the hall to his office. There was no mistaking the surprised looks on the rest of the team when they saw Steve and Catherine emerging from Danny's office, but there would be time to explain later. Right now, he just wanted to get alone with her and talk.  
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**So what do you think? Want more of this one? **** Let me know your thoughts! **


	2. Chapter 2

After Steve's office door closed and he immediately shut the blinds on his office windows, the entire team turned their eyes towards Danny.

In a very familiar move, both of Danny's hands shot up. "Don't look at me. I know nothing," he said while shuffling his feet in an obvious move indicating he was uncomfortable.

Lou was the first to speak as he shook his head in disbelief, "Not buying it, man. What gives?"

Danny looked towards Steve's office. "I swear to God, I don't know. Catherine just showed up about 15 minutes ago looking for Steve."

When they all continued to stare at him wordlessly, he said "This time it wasn't me. I didn't call her…_**but**_ she _does_ know about what happened with Doris."

Everyone stood wordlessly.

"Can we all agree this may be a good thing no matter how it happened or how she found out?" he asked.

Adam spoke up. "Not gonna disagree with that one, Danny. Catherine may be the one person who can help him through this."

Silence with everyone again…..

"I think we have all seen that Steve isn't the same since Doris was killed," Adam continued. "And__if we're being honest, Mary won't be able to help him through this either because he's too busy trying to take care of _**her**_ and playing that 'big brother' role he does so well."

"That's true," Junior agreed. "He told me that he's trying to talk Mary into leaving L.A. to move back to Oahu with Joannie. I think he really wants to have them close to him again. I mean, after all…..They're the only family he has left."

Noticing the looks everyone shot him, he corrected his statement, "I mean, _**yes**_; We're _all _**Ohana**…..but losing his mom changed something in him. Come on guys…He lost his Dad several years ago; Then his Aunt Deb…and Joe last year; And now he's lost his Mom. Getting Mary and Joannie back in Hawaii would mean he has the only _blood family_ he has left right where he can watch over them. You know how Steve is."

Since Tani didn't know Catherine very well, she voiced her skepticism. "Okay…..but didn't Catherine leave him…Like _several_ times? Why would he trust her now?"

"Because no matter what has happened between those two, they love each other," Lou said with the wisdom that only someone who had lived longer could understand.

The cliché that "wisdom comes with age" isn't a cliché for nothing.

"You don't know all the history, darlin'" Lou told Tani. "Catherine Rollins '_**gets him**_' like none of us probably ever will…and even though he wouldn't admit it right now, our boy _needs_ her." He sighed. "I just hope they can both get their heads out of their asses long enough and swallow their pride long enough this time to realize they should be together."

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Steve led Catherine to the couch where she sat down. When he made no move to do the same, she gave his hand a gentle tug. "Sit down, baby."

Steve let out a choked sigh and his bottom lip trembled. He and Catherine were never 'touchy feely' with each other unless they were making love. Hearing her gentle endearment broke him. (They had only told each other "I love you," once or twice even though Steve knew to the depths of his soul that he would always love Catherine. )

If anyone needed proof of that, they could look at every woman he had tried to date since her….mostly on Danny's insistence. No one…..absolutely NO ONE….. held a candle to the flame that still burned in his soul for Catherine Rollins.

_His_ Cath.

And now she was back.

But how long would she stay?

He let go of her hand and started to pace. He ran a palm down his face as if trying to erase the pain coming to the surface at seeing her again so soon after losing his mother.

"Steve," Catherine coaxed softly.

He looked over his shoulder at her. She patted the couch beside her. "Come here. Please…Talk to me."

It took him a minute, but after swallowing the lump in his throat, he did as she asked. As soon as he sat down, Catherine took his hand back into hers.

"I'm sorry about your Mom." She whispered.

Steve looked down at their hands folded together as they rested on his thigh.

"How….?"

He stopped on the verge of tears and looked away to try to stop the tears threatening to fall.

"_**How**_…did you know? About _her_, I mean?" he finished.

Catherine ached at the pain she saw in his eyes. She fought back tears of her own as she answered him. "I didn't hear right away…..and I'm sorry for that…but I got word through another operative who knew about my connection with you and Doris. I was in Morocco and couldn't get here any sooner. I'm s_o sorry_, honey." She squeezed his hand supportively.

Steve's face grimaced and tears started rolling down his face against his will. As soon as he started leaning towards her, Catherine pulled his head down to her lap and started to stroke his back.

"It's my fault, Cath. It's all my fault!" he said before his shoulders began to shake in silent sobs.

Catherine didn't answer. With her security clearance, she knew it was bullshit because she'd seen the reports; but Steve wasn't ready to hear that.

Right now, he needed to do what he hadn't done yet and that was to let his guard down and _cry_.

Catherine sat with him cradling his head in her lap and let him get out what he'd been holding in for weeks. She rubbed up and down his back and eventually moved her hand to his head. He always loved when she ran her fingers through his hair. He said it reminded him of what his mom used to do when he was little and couldn't go to sleep or needed comforting.

Sometime later after mindlessly running her fingers through his hair and trying to comfort him, she realized he had fallen asleep.

Falling asleep at the office? _How long has it been since he had a good night's sleep_, she wondered?

She didn't want to move. She barely dared to breathe. If he was so exhausted that he fell asleep in her lap at the office, he most likely hadn't slept in a very long time.

She carefully reached behind her to open one of the blinds just enough that the rest of the Ohana could see into Steve's office if they needed something.

Predictably, it wasn't long before Danny knocked softly on the window. Catherine motioned for him to come in…..but not before putting a finger up to her mouth in a "Shhhhhh" motion.

Danny opened the door quietly and entered.

"How's our boy?" he whispered.

Catherine gave him a soft smile. "I would say…..Exhausted…and carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Sound about right?"

Danny could only nod and give her a soft smile. "Sounds about right, babe" he answered.

"Let's just let him sleep. I won't leave him…..If something comes up, can you all handle it?"

Danny gave her a wink. "We got it. No worries."

He returned a couple of minutes later with a blanket and Catherine couldn't help but smile as he opened it up to put it over Steve's exhausted frame.

"Thanks, Danno," Catherine said.

"Anytime, sweetie." Danny turned to leave before turning back. "Oh…and Cath?"

She turned to look at him.

"Thanks for coming back,"

She gave him a small nod.

Catherine's own fatigue began to hit her as well. She'd been traveling for nearly twenty hours straight to get there. Leaning her head back against the couch, she succumbed to the sleep her body craved.

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Steve woke up with a start realizing he must have fallen asleep on Catherine's lap. He sat up slowly and found her sleeping as well. Allowing himself to look at her, he felt an ache in his chest. Steve loved watching her sleep; She always looked so beautiful and peaceful. He had missed her so much. However, Steve wasn't about to allow himself to feel anything but gratitude towards her for coming to check on him. Feeling anything else for her was too risky.

Steve gave her a gentle shake. "Cath," he whispered softly. When she didn't wake right away, he tried again. When she didn't stir, he tried again. Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled softly at him.

"Hey, sailor. Did you have a good nap?" Her smile grew wider.

Steve sighed…..and then smirked. "Danny's never going to let me live this down, is he?"

Catherine chuckled. "Probably not…..BUT, he seemed relieved that you were getting some sleep even though it WAS in your office."

Steve grew serious again. "Yeah, well, I haven't been sleeping much lately."

"I figured as much."

When Steve sat silently for a few moments, she decided they needed a change of scenery.

"Are you hungry?"

Steve nodded.

"Good, because I'm starving…and after being on planes and in airports for the last twenty hours with only peanuts to eat, I need food." Not waiting for him to turn her down, she grabbed his hand and stood up. "Come on. Kame's shrimp truck is calling me. I would kill for some of his spicy shrimp right now."

Steve had the good sense to know that arguing with her was out of the question; and if he was honest with himself, he would have to admit that spending time with her might be a distraction he needed.

"I'll drive," Cath said before Steve scoffed…which, of course, she knew he would.

"Not a chance, Rollins." And with that, he led her out of the office and down to his truck so they could go to lunch. Before leaving, he popped his head into Danny's office. "We're going to get something to eat. Call me if anything comes up."

"Go," Danny said. "We got this."

Catherine and Steve were mostly silent on the short drive to see Kamekona. It wasn't an awkward silence…..but rather a silence that came with people who were comfortable with each other and didn't need to fill every moment with conversation.

_Too bad Danny doesn't get that_, Steve mused before chuckling.

Catherine turned towards him. "What?"

"Oh….uh…nothing. I mean…..I was just thinking how nice it is to ride with someone who doesn't have to fill every second with chatter. "

Catherine laughed. "Yes, well, you and I have always been very good at non-verbal communication."

Steve cast her a sideways glance and winked. "You're right about that, Lieutenant."

Steve reached over to grab her hand and held it in his until they reached their destination.

As soon as they approached the shrimp truck, Kamekona's eyes lit up. "Welcome HOME, sistah!"

Catherine beamed. "Good to see you too, Kame!"

"And I see you have our fearless leader with you…..so please tell me you are here to cheer him up."

"Gonna do my best," she answered.

Looking between the two of them, Steve sighed. "So you gonna get us some lunch sometime today or do we need to go somewhere else?"

Kamekona scowled at Catherine. "See what I mean? He's been real 'growly' lately."

"Seriously, Kamekona? _'Growly'_?" Steve said.

Catherine couldn't help but laugh. No matter how long she was away, some things never changed. She decided to deter the situation before things got any more 'growly' between the two.

"Can we have two spicy shrimp plates and coconut waters?"

He beamed at her, "Coming right up, sistah!" As Steve and Cath started to walk away and get a table, he called out, "Cath!"

She turned back to him inquisitively.

"Good to have you back," he whispered before giving her a wink. "Take care of our boy."

"I'm gonna do my best," she promised.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey everyone! Thanks so much for your reviews. I hope you're enjoying the story. This chapter and the next will be pretty heavy on dialogue as Steve and Catherine begin to work through Steve's grief. Let me know what you think. **

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Kamekona carried a tray with their food and drinks to the table they'd found away from all the others. As he approached them, he observed Catherine talking quietly to Steve who was looking out at the waves rolling in. His expression was tortured…The same expression he'd had every time Kame had seen him since returning from trying to save his Mom.

He was worried about his friend.

Kamekona had no idea how Catherine ended up back in Oahu when she did, but it didn't matter. The entire ohana was so worried about Steve, but no one had been able to reach him. Hame felt confident that was about to change now that Catherine was back…..and for that, he loved her even more.

Steve and Catherine both turned towards him when they realized he was bringing their food. Steve reached into his pocket to pull out his wallet. "How much do we owe ya?"

"Nothing. This one's on me."

Steve and Catherine both sat dumbfounded with jaws dropped open in surprise. Kame didn't give freebies. Ever. In the ten years they'd known him, the most they'd ever gotten out of him was 10% off…..but even that had restrictions.

As they continued to gape at him, his face softened. He knew what they were thinking; And honestly, he could barely believe he was doing it himself…but the truth was he was worried about McGarrett. Worried enough that he was going to give them free food…..which was saying a lot.

Putting their food and coconut waters in front of them, he smiled at Catherine "It's good to see you, sistah." An unspoken conversation happened between Catherine and Kamekona in those moments.

_Take care of our boy_….his eyes said.

_I'll do my best….._her soft smile seemed to tell him.

Then he gave her a 'wink' in understanding.

"Thanks, buddy," Steve said before turning back towards the water….his expression a million miles away.

Kamekona returned to the truck sent a quick text to Danny who had already texted to see if Cath and Steve were there.

_They're here. No worries…..Looks like Cath's got this. _

Seconds later, his phone 'dinged' again indicating a message. He looked back at his phone. The text was from Danny.

_Let's hope she can bring him back to us. _

Kamekona sighed as he looked back out towards the two of them. He was hoping for the same thing.

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Catherine's concern was growing as was her frustration. They had been through so much together over the last fifteen years and helped each other through some pretty tough shit. But she had never seen him so withdrawn and broken.

Her soft pleas to get him to talk to her…..or at least to _eat_ weren't phasing him; He continued to stay aloof and hadn't said a damn word since they sat down. He just kept giving her one word answers to her questions and looking out at the water as if he wished it could whisk him away.

_To hell with this. Time for some tough love. _If he wasn't ready to _talk_ she was at least going to get him to eat.

"Steve!" The sharpness of her voice made him turn to her. She lifted her fork and pointed to his plate. "Eat! Or I swear to God I'm going to come over there and _make you_ eat."

His eyes focused on her and he couldn't hide his smirk. They both knew that wouldn't happen…..No way would he ever let her do that…..but damn, he loved a feisty Catherine.

Nodding his head in resignation, he lifted his fork and began to eat without saying a word. Kamekona saw the exchange and couldn't help but grin.

Steve ate only half his plate which was concerning considering he could usually eat all of his food _and_ finish whatever Cath had left over. But Catherine decided not to make any comment about it; She was going to have to pick her battles. And something told her they were going to have some battles getting Steve to the other side of his pain. At least she'd been able to get him to sleep (if only for an hour) and eat (if only a little bit).

Now it was time to talk.

Nahale came to check on them and take their plates away, but not before giving Catherine a hug and sharing small talk. When he walked away, Catherine stood and moved to Steve's side of the picnic table. She took his hand and gave him a gentle tug. "Come on, sailor. Let's go for a walk."

Whether it was because Steve knew how stubborn she could be…or whether it was because he knew he needed to do so, Steve didn't give her any resistance.

They walked to the shoreline hand in hand. After several minutes of silence, Catherine decided to start the hard conversation that had to happen.

"Are you getting any sleep?" she asked softly.

"No."

"Having nightmares?"

"Every damn night," he sighed.

"Well then it's a good thing I'm here," Catherine said matter of factly.

Steve was curious. "Not that I'm arguing…because I'm happy you're here…..but why do you say that?"

Looking around them Catherine noticed that they had reached an area of the beach that was barely populated. Few people were around so it was the perfect spot to stop. Halting her steps, she stood in front of him taking both of his hands into hers.

"Do you know how many times you've chased away my bad dreams just by being there to hold me?" Catherine asked him softly.

Steve remained silent but visibly swallowed the lump in his throat. Catherine reached one hand up to stroke his cheek.

"Now it's _my turn_ to do that for _you_, sailor."

The pain in Steve's eyes almost took her breath away. Catherine had never seen him like this. Steve had been through a hell of a lot in his life; A weaker man would have given up long ago, but he kept moving forward no matter what obstacles life threw at him or how much pain and loss he suffered. Looking at him now, there was no doubt he'd reached his limit.

"Catherine, I'm fine. Besides…"

"Stop!" Catherine all but barked at him. "You keep trying to tell me that but you are **not **_fine_, dammit! That is clear to me…and to everyone else who loves you. So now we're going to deal. Got it?"

When he didn't answer, her voice softened and she continued.

"Steve, I know you're hurting….."

Steve's sarcastic laugh interrupted her as he let go of her hands and started to pace. "Cut the shit, Catherine. You have no idea what I'm _feeling_. And I know Danny probably called you to come back…..again…..so you could try to 'save me'," he said as he made little 'quote marks' in the air… "…but it's not going to happen."

She huffed out a heavy breath but refused to let the venom in his voice have any effect on her. Relieved that he was finally showing some emotion (even though it was anger directed towards her), she steeled herself in front of him. "Listen to me!" She demanded. "_**First of all**_, Danny didn't call me. And second, I may not understand the pain you're feeling, but I **do** know you're hurting," Catherine's voice lowered as she looked straight into his eyes. "And I….will….be…_**damned… **_if I'm going to stand by and watch you drown in your grief."

Steve turned away from her and ran a hand through his hair in frustration and started to pace again; a sure sign that he was stressed and needed to vent. Catherine watched him silently willing him to open up to her;

To trust her.

"Covering up the pain and pretending it isn't there doesn't make it go away, Steve. What if this was anyone else on your team? What if this was me…or Nahale…..or even _Mary_? Would you let us just close up and pretend as if nothing had happened? Hell NO, you wouldn't because you know it's not healthy!"

Catherine knew she was pushing, but he could be pissed later, she reasoned….Wouldn't be the first time. After what she'd witnessed in a few short hours of being back in Oahu with him, she knew he was a time bomb ready to explode. He had to start working through what had happened or he wouldn't survive. And that simply wasn't an option.

_Come on, baby_, she silently willed him. _Talk to me._

Steve put hands on his hips and dropped his head. Watching him from behind, Catherine held her breathe in hopes he would finally let go.

When he pivoted around to look at Catherine once again, she saw resignation in his eyes.

"You win, Cath." His voice was barely above a whisper. "But not here. Let's go home and we'll talk."

_Home_. Catherine felt a hitch in her chest when he said the word. Had things gone differently and she wouldn't have left when she did, Steve would have proposed and they would most likely be married by now. It would be _their_ home.

Still, the mere fact that he'd called it "home" just now gave her hope that not all was lost between them. They would have a long road ahead before walls of mistrust could come down, but there would be time for that. Steve was the priority right now.

Walking towards her and taking her hand, he looked at her intently again. "Let's go home."

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Steve opened the door to his house and motioned for Catherine to go in before him.

_Always the gentleman_, she mused.

Eddie bounded into the living room happy to see his master home at such an early part of the day. Catherine laughed at his exuberance as Steve leaned down to pet him.

"Hey boy!" Steve's smile was genuine and unguarded. Cath sensed some of the heaviness of Steve's heart lifting just a little.

"So this is Eddie!"

Steve smiled up at her. "Yeah, this is him." Then he made introductions, "Catherine…..meet Eddie. Eddie…..this is Cath."

Eddie barked and wagged his tail happily making Catherine laugh again and she started to scratch his ears. "Hello, Eddie. It's nice to finally meet you."

In response, Eddie lied down on the floor in front of her and rolled over hoping for a belly rub as well. Catherine obliged.

"Keep doing that and you'll have a friend for life," Steve said.

After a few moments, Eddie got up and ran to the back door expectantly. Realizing he wanted to go outside, Steve said, "Why don't you grab us a couple of beers and meet me outside. We'll talk."

Catherine moved to do as he asked. Before walking out to the lanai, she allowed herself a moment to watch Steve and Eddie through the back doors. Steve was throwing a tennis ball that Eddie retrieved and returned time and time again. Cath realized the wisdom in deciding to go back to Steve's house before talking; Eddie would make it easier…..and for that she was grateful.

Planting a smile on her face and saying a silent prayer that she would be able to help him, she opened the doors and walked out with beers in hand.


	4. Chapter 4

Steve took the beer from Catherine's hand and they both sat down in the Adirondack chairs Steve kept by the shoreline at the end of his yard & property line. They watched as Eddie jumped into the waves as they quietly sipped their beers.

Catherine decided to wait it out and allow Steve to start the conversation.

Finally, he spoke.

"Thanks for coming, Cath." He reached over and took her hand.

She squeezed his hand in response. "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I'm just sorry I couldn't be here sooner."

"Yeah…..speaking of that…..how long can you stay?" Knowing Catherine and their history, it was only a matter of time before she was gone again. He'd rather know up front how much time he had with her so as not to get his hopes up that she had finally come to her senses and would come home for good.

_Wait. Did I really just think that? _He wondered. _No…She's too much like Mom. She'll never be home for good._

Catherine's voice broke into the conversation taking place in his mind.

"Let's just take it one day at a time," she answered. "I'm not on a timetable right now."

Steve's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "What?…You tellin' me the agency has loosened your leash?" his voice held more than a little sarcasm.

Catherine looked as if she wanted to say more but kept her voice calm. "We can talk about that later. Right now, I want to talk about _**you**__._"

Steve took a swig of beer and shrugged nonchalantly

"Not much to say, Cath. I insisted on finding Doris and bringing her home against the advice of everyone…and because of that, I got her killed. End of story."

"I know you don't believe this, Steve, but what happened to your mom is absolutely _not_ your fault."

"The hell it wasn't Catherine!" he barked. "If I wouldn't have shown up with 'guns blazing' and insisting that she come home with me, Carmen Lucia wouldn't have had the opportunity to kill her! I exposed her cover…..basically signed her death warrant…..and she was killed in front of me. HOW is that NOT my fault? "

He glared at her before he stood up and started pacing. Eddie was sitting between them and let out a small whine hearing Steve's anger.

Catherine reached down to stroke his head and whispered, "It's okay, boy. Let's let him talk."

Seeming to understand, Eddie put his head down on the ground while keeping his eyes on Steve and reveling in Catherine's touch.

"It's the same thing that happened with Dad; He wouldn't have been killed if I wasn't going after the Hess brothers….And just like Joe wouldn't have been killed if I wouldn't have insisted on going out to help him get rid of the threat Greer made on our team. It's all on ME! All of them. They are all _dead_ because of ME."

Catherine breathed in and willed herself to keep her voice calm. She stood up so she could face him even though he continued to pace.

"Okay, let's pretend for a second that you are right about your parents…..even though that is complete bullshit and you _**aren't**_ responsible," She exhaled a big sigh. "But we'll get to that later. So, _pretending_ that you are right about your parents, there is no way in hell you could blame yourself for what happened with Joe. They were after ALL of you and were not going to stop until all of you were dead. "

Then under her breath she said "All thanks to that bitch _Greer_! Damn, it felt good to put a bullet in her."

Steve couldn't help the twitch in his mouth at Catherine's admission. It was so unlike her.

Turning back to Steve she said, "They were coming after ALL of you. There was nothing you could do to save Joe. I know it hurt to lose him but that's the truth. We've been over this before, Steve. If the roles were reversed, you would have died for him too."

Steve looked at her disbelieving as he stood up to pace. "You're wrong. They're _**all **_my fault. How in the hell do I LIVE with this, Cath? It's all on ME…There is nothing you can say to convince me otherwise."

In spite of his fury, Catherine smirked. "Oh, you underestimate me, sailor."

And God help him, but the calm and conviction in her voice did something to help soothe him. Not that he was convinced yet…but Cath could obviously see through his BS….and she wasn't afraid to call him on it.

She stood up to walk behind him and put her arms around his waist. Putting her head against his back, she felt the stiffness loosen just a little.

"None of this is on _you_, baby. You have to believe that."

She felt him as well as _heard_ him let out a sarcastic laugh. "So who's fault is it? Because **I**am the only common denominator in all of their deaths."

He turned imploring eyes to her. "They would all still be here if it wasn't for their connection with me."

Catherine looked into the blue eyes she loved so much; Eyes that shifted between a bright blue when he was happy to a dark blue when he was angry and conflicted. In that moment, she saw nothing but dark sapphire blue.

"I know you're hurting…..and honestly, I can't blame you considering everything you've been through…but you're wrong."

Steve looked into her eyes for a few minutes wishing he could believe what Catherine was saying. Losing them was hard enough…..but knowing he was responsible for all of them was even tougher to deal with.

Steve's voice cracked and he sat back down in his chair with a heavy sigh, "She died in my arms, Cath. I wasn't ready to let her go…..and she died _in my arms._" Elbows resting on his thighs, he dropped his head into his hands as his body began to shake. Catherine couldn't have stopped her own tears from falling if she wanted to. She moved to kneel in front of him and put her arms around him.

"I'm so sorry, Steve. I wish I could take the pain away."

Steve put his arms around her and pulled her onto his lap where he practically crushed her in a hug of desperation. He was clinging to her as if he needed every bit of strength she had to continue.

"Joe told me something the last time I talked to him," she said softly.

Steve looked up and into her eyes never releasing the hold he had on her. "What's that?"

"Well, you know Joe and his contacts. He was able to find me in Kiev a month or so before he died. I was surprised to hear from him because it had been a long time…but it sounded like he had something important to tell me."

"What did he say?"

Catherine sighed and put her palms on either side of Steve's face gently urging him to look at her. "He told me he was worried about you…..That he was worried you were going to burn out. Then…"

She stopped and Steve waited. When she didn't continue, Steve said, "Then _what_, Cath? What did he say?"

Catherine smiled softly, "He told me that he believed life was going to eventually bring us together. And that even though we worth both stubborn as hell, we would work it out. Then, he made me promise to take care of you if anything happened to him."

Steve swallowed the lump suddenly in his throat.

"What did you tell him?"

"I told him I was already working on that, but it was going to take some time."

"Already working on what?"

"Another time, Steve. Just know that Joe cared about you so much. He did what he had to do to keep you and the others safe. You know that's what he wanted…and he would do it all over again. You have to let that go. YOU are here for a reason."

When he still didn't looked convinced, she decided to go for the big guns. "What would Mary and Joannie do without YOU? Think about that for a minute and tell me you still wish you were the one who is gone."

She was right. He knew she was right. But it was still tough to face.

"I'm trying to talk her into moving back, " Steve said quietly. "I don't know if she will or not, but I'm trying like hell to get her back here. I don't like her being on the mainland by herself…..and Joannie is growing up so fast."

"Not to mention it would be good for _you_ to have them here."

Steve shrugged and smirked, "Yeah. There's that too."

Catherine noticed the exhaustion on his face and felt the heaviness still in his heart. Steve had always been one to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders, but it seemed to finally be getting the best of him.

Not sure if she should do so or not, she followed her heart; Sitting on his lap with her arms still wrapped around his neck, she leaned in to give him a quick kiss.

"What d'ya say we go in and take a nap?"

Steve's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "A nap? What are we, five years old?" (As if naps were only for children).

Her grin grew wider, "Yes, a nap. They aren't just for kids, Commander. Besides that cat nap at your office wasn't nearly enough….and you _look _even more exhausted than I _feel_. Why don't we go upstairs and sleep for awhile? Then, we can make some dinner. Just like old times."

Steve's heart swelled realizing how much he had missed her. No one understood him like Catherine…She knew how to push his buttons and call him on his shit when necessary. But she also knew exactly what he needed most of the time. It was a potent combination that made him hope with everything in him that Joe was right. Maybe they would eventually find their way back together.

"You have a deal, Lieutenant. " He leaned in and kissed her once more as he stood up with her in his arms. Catherine let out a surprised giggle. Being back in Steve's arms felt like coming home. She hoped he would still feel that way when she told him her news.

There would be time for that later, though. Right now, Steve was the focus.

Steve carried her into the house and up the stairs with Eddie on their heels. Reaching his bedroom, he put her gently down on the bed, removed his shirt and climbed in beside her. His eyes started to close almost immediately. "I'm glad you're here, Cath," he said sleepily. "I've missed you." It took mere seconds for exhaustion to take over him as he laid his head on the pillow.

Catherine heart ached for him. Losing her Mom at a young age had been hard for her, but since she'd had cancer, it was easier to let go knowing they'd had time to say their goodbyes.

Losing Billy had been the closest thing Catherine had experienced to what Steve was going through…..and it didn't even touch the surface of the pain he'd been through. She reached out to gently stroke his cheek.

"I've missed you too, sailor." She whispered.


End file.
